LIFE: Sea Power

Posted on May 14 2015 - 9:37pm by Alex

Without meaning to run the risk of sounding like a massive hippy, I’ve long thought that the sea has magical powers. No, it’s not going to randomly spit a 10 of Clubs out at your head as you walk along the beach (YOUR CARD…OMG HOW DID IT KNOW!?) – nor is it going to suddenly disappear and then reappear seconds later on top of a building that’s like “SO far away, wooww, how did it do that!? Errrr meeerrr geeerrrrd…I am FREAKING OUUUT!?” The sea isn’t using basic camera trickery to fool people, there’s no sleight-of-hand, no stooges in the crowd…none of that charlatan Tom-foolery. Instead, it just roars away, magically altering human-minds, making us happier, healthier, more relaxed and basically radder in every way.

Think about it, people the world over FLOCK to be by the sea, they CRAVE the ocean, they write songs about it, build homes specifically to maximise their view of it…but rarely does anyone stop to ask WHY we’re so entranced. Yeah it’s pretty, yeah coastal air is fresh, and shit like that…but those are just basic ways of describing something much deeper. The sea has magic powers when it comes to humans…and its power is the product of a few things:


1. The Sea doesn’t give a shit!

Gay, straight, black, white, caring, twattish, loving, hating, stressed, anxious, serene, successful, poor, rich, dying, living, funny, irritating, friendless, popular, a celebrity, a nobody, or whatever! Know this….the sea is the biggest thing on earth…and it does not give two FLYING FUCKS about you! It doesn’t care how your career’s going, it won’t pause for one second to consider how you’re all livid because someone got a promotion that you should have got, or that someone said something mean about you, or because it turns out that your best mate’s a prick. It doesn’t fucking care at all how you feel, or what you think – the sea cares as much about you giving to charity as it does you being a total arsehole…as far as the sea is concerned you are a dot, a wisp of nothingness, the very essence of insignificance.

The sea is the ultimate leveller, the grand master of humility….it was here before even the first life-forms on earth dared to exist…and it’ll be here long, long after we’ve obliterated ourselves.

Let’s do an experiment. Click your fingers now…just once….go on…indulge me…OK cool, so you know that sound you just heard then? Well, divide the length of that sound by like ten million, and now and try and imagine how insanely short that sound would be….so short, that you wouldn’t even notice it even if it was amplified by a fucktillion decibels, yeah?!…

…Well, the length of that sound is pretty much equal to the length of time humanity has been AND EVER WILL BE around, compared to the sea.

In short, the sea doesn’t give a shit about you! And that absolute fact reminds us all, that in the grand scheme of things, we are but a blip. Part of the sea’s magical powers then, comes from its ability to remind us of that, thereby helping us to not disappear up our own arses, without saying, or doing, anything at all!

Makes Uri Gellar bending some fucking spoons look a bit lame, eh?!

Makes Uri Gellar bending some fucking spoons look a bit lame, eh?!


2. The sea IS nature (I get that I sound like a COCK…but hear me out)

Look around you right now. Unless you’re in the middle of the sea somewhere, the likelihood is that you are surrounded by man-made, or man-altered stuff. Even if you’re in a field slap bang in the centre of the countryside, they’ll be a gate, or a footpath, or a wall, or a Shepard’s hut or some shit. If you’re in a city, forget about it, 90% of what you’ll be looking at right now will have been put there by humans! Probably more than 90%!

Now think about the sea. Aside from a pier here and a port there, the sea remains pretty much entirely unfucked-with…in fact, it’s SO awesome, that much of the coastline is protected by law…as if somehow we as humans know, instinctively, that the sea is something you just do NOT mess with. Whenever there’s an oil spillage or we find out some evil twat has been dumping sewage in the sea, WE GO MENTAL! We know, in our skin, that it’s special or sacred in some way.

Pretty much every psychologist, spiritual person, scientist, self-help guru and anyone who purports to try and help people be happier, will cite the importance of being in touch with nature. They all have different reasons, the spiritual person would say that it’s “good for the soul”, while the self-help guru may say “it gives you a chance to clear your mind of the daily stresses” – I think it’s important for exactly the same reasons I was banging on about a minute ago…being in touch with nature reminds you that there’s more to life THAN YOU! Realising that will make you instantly happier…unfortunately, the way things are going, we’re getting more and more detached from nature and more and more sucked into the digital, materialistic, dick-measuring world…but that’s a post for another time.

The point is, for whatever reason, being in touch with nature is good for us…and nothing is as raw, as vast, and as totally untouched as the sea…literally nothing at all. The sea IS nature and that straight up fact, only adds to its rad-mystical-power.

Nature feels!

If you look reeeeeaaally closely, you can see Dynamo waving at the camera on top of that cliff…oh no…sorry, no you can’t….BECAUSE HE’S FULL OF SHIT!!


3. It sounds AMAZING

People spend literally MILLIONS of pounds a year on sleep and relaxation aids. When we’re feeling like we’re gonna melt-down, hundreds of thousands of us turn to soothing sounds to help us not become wanton-murderous-maniacs. Wellbeing apps fly out of the doors every day and do you know what? Most of them contain sounds of the sea….why? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS AMAZING! It’s white-noise-esq rolling rage just cancels out the bullshit…know what I mean? Have a listen…

OK, so you don’t have to listen for 11 hours…but you get the point – the sea’s sound is its version of Wingarnum Leviosa…but rather than making shit pointlessly levitate, it HEALS YOUR BRAIN!!!

So yeah, there we go, the sea is magic, believe! Told you I’d sound like a hippy…